My Mind Speaks..... Fact or Fiction

A Book Review: Stay with me

Disclaimer: If you are planning to read the book please do not continue reading this article. It has spoilers so enter at your own risk.

I personally do not believe in spoiler alerts. In fact before I read or watch anything I often want to know what it is about and assess if the content is the type I would like to spend my time on. It was not any different when I decided to read Stay with me, a book by a young Nigerian author. What initially attracted me to this book was that it was fiction. I am very picky about what I read but fiction is my favourite. I also have a weakness for autobiographies especially those written by people that survived or made it against all odds.

I was initially introduced to fiction by neighbour back home when I was in grade 9. The first fictional book I ever read besides those we read for school was by Sydney Sheldon. I particularly liked his writing because he wrote about women who are talented and capable, but most importantly, retained their femininity. Most women in his books have tremendous power and success. Similarly what attracted me to Stay with me was that it was written by a young black female writer. Ayobami Adebayo is a debut author and she was only 29 when Stay with me was published. I feel need to mention that the book was shortlisted for the baileys women's prize for fiction just to emphasise that the book was well written and easy to read. I particularly liked the fact that it tells an African story. When I did my research on her and how the book came about I was amazed by her story. She particularly mentions that it took her 10 years to finish putting the whole book together.

Before I get into the review, I firstly would like to say given the chance to unread the book I probably would take that chance. Not because it is not a good book because I'd rate it a 4.7 of 5 but merely because it was emotionally taxing for me. I spent the whole night after reading it convincing myself that it is not real... Just a book. But then I again during my research I knew I would probably shed a tear or two however the actual story was nothing I thought it would be.

When I initially picked up the book I was expecting it to be about a woman who was barren and could not have kids but had longed to have kids. I imagined her family tormented her about her barrenness until the family forced a second wife on their family. I imagined it would tickle issues relating to tradition vs modernisation. Little did I know? 

The actual story turned out to be about the length at which people are willing to go to in order to have children and the burden carried by women whose husbands are impotent. The story in set in Nigeria and follows a couple, Yejide and Akin who had been married for 4 years without children, when the family brought a second wife to bare children in the marriage. It is important to note that the book is set in the 80's when tradition and children in marriage were still very prevalent. Yejide is an orphan born from a polygamous marriage, which is the main reason she never wanted it for herself. Her mother died shortly after giving birth to her and her father died just before she got married. She does not really have any other blood family which is what motivated her to have a child of her own. So that she could have a family of her own. Her mother in law takes her to all sorts of places to get help with conception and her husband has taken her to doctor after doctor. She eventually starts believing she's pregnant in her mind but she wasn't really in fact pregnant. She was later diagnosed with some mental health issue that made her believe she was pregnant. This was mainly caused by the pressure she put on herself to get pregnant first before the second wife could, hoping it would save her marriage from polygamy. It turned out that the husband was the one with the issue. When he realised he could not have children he then asked his brother to lay with his wife for them to have kids as he couldn't bear to watch her suffer any longer. The brother then became emotionally vested and things just got messy. Yejide eventually has 3 kids, two of which die from a gene she and her brother in law passed to all the kids. The first child dies after 5 months and the second after about 7 years. All this time Yejide doesn't know that her husband was impotent and that the brother was sent to make her pregnant. She thought she was having an affair the whole time. The whole truth came out when her second child died and she was pregnant with her third. The third child was named Rotimi which means Stay with me because the family believed that she only gave birth to kids that die young (children born with a curse). So they named her Rotimi so that she would try and stay. She eventually left her husband with their third child when the baby was about a year and moved to another city far away. She left because she couldn't take the fact that the baby was about to die too. In the end, Akin invites her to come attend his father’s funeral and she find out that the baby did not die and was now a teenager.

She goes through the most and to a certain extent Akin also goes through the most living with the shame of being unable to reproduce. They seem to genuinely love each other. I love that the story is told from both perspectives, of the wife and the Husband.

The most profound thing I read in the book is something that Yejide said and I quote "Sometimes I think we have children because we want to leave behind someone who can explain who we were to the world when we are gone”. 

It really got me thinking about why we have children vele and the motivations behind reproduction. Are we having kids for selfish reasons or is it just one of those things that we do because tradition or religion dictates that we do? Got me wondering if the stigma still exists over couples who personally choose to not have kids just because they just don't want to or is that considered selfish as well. Are women and men still forced to live under the stigma of being childless as if they are not human enough or their existence matters any less because they do not have kids? We have all heard someone dismissing another persons success based on the fact that that person doesn’t have kids, vho “She may have a car, house, a job or all the success in the world but she doesn’t have kids” as if having kids is what completes the success equation. Many a times we tend to impose our ideas on how a successful and fulfilling life should look like. 

Are we as men and women still not willing to accept medical conditions that cause us to struggle with infertility as a reality we face every day? Do these conditions still make us feel depressed and less human than those who can reproduce? Should everyone just have a child in fear of being judged?  I mean in a world with 7 billion plus people is it still mandatory for each couple to have offspring?

My mind speaks...